Lets have your jokes

[Injury Time]

I'm sure you get sent, or come across jokes on other forums, starter for 10

Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella. Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?" Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was fucking skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog." :run:

[Boss]

The Mindless Optimism Clique.




bwahaha

[The Wengerbabies]

Q: What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile?

A: Get in the Batmobile Robin

[The Wengerbabies]

Guy walks into a bar: I'll have a pint of adenosine triphosphate

Bartender: That'll be ATP

[Injury Time]

Q: What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile?

A: Get in the Batmobile Robin
scrabbles to find "ignore" button ;)

[V-Pig]

The Mindless Optimism Clique.




bwahaha

I'm disappointed in this attack.

[Injury Time]

Van der sar
Fabio
Ferdinand
Vidic
Evra
Valencia
Carrick
An unnamed premiership footballer
Park
Rooney
Hernandez
:whistle:

[Injury Time]

A man approaches a young woman in a shop. he says I can’t find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes? The woman says sure but do you have any idea where your wife is?
Not a clue he says but whenever I talk to a woman with tits like yours she appears out of fucking nowhere!
:arry:

[Master Splinter]

Gomes :haha:.

[Injury Time]

...and when he got back , his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees...
Apparently she'd stood him up

:dancingman:

[Flavs]

Guy walks into a bar: I'll have a pint of adenosine triphosphate

Bartender: That'll be ATP

That got a genuine :lol: from me, good work son

[PGFC]

Why did the baker have brown hands?

Because he needed a poo.

[Injury Time]

Why did the baker have brown hands?

Because he needed a poo.
I can see why you're in the doghouse tbh :getcoat:

[Flavs]

So i got a mate with an ice cream van who has been booked to do all the festivals and will get his van right outside the beer tent!!! Thing is all his fridges are broken and all the flakes and Mr. Whippy keeps melting...

Yeah he's got 99 problems but the pitch aint one...

[LDG]

So i got a mate with an ice cream van who has been booked to do all the festivals and will get his van right outside the beer tent!!! Thing is all his fridges are broken and all the flakes and Mr. Whippy keeps melting...

Yeah he's got 99 problems but the pitch aint one...

Oh dear

[Titi14]

Which popstar gets loads of nose bleeds?

Pixie Lott.

It's amazing and everyone knows it even if her name has to be said in a certain way

[isv]

Ryan giggs today admitted that he's home sick, saying even though he's happy in Manchester he does MISS WALES occasionally.

[Alias]

It's all about Yo Mama jokes

Yo Mama is so old she was a waittress at the last supper

Yo Mama is so old I told her to act her age and she died

Yo Mama is so fat people run round her fo excercise

Yo mama so fat when she looked at the scale it said to be continued

YEAH

[Injury Time]

Yo Mama is sooo fat when she fell over and broke her leg gravy came out

Yo Mama is sooo fat her belt size is equator

Yo Mama is sooo poor I saw her kickin' a can the other day, I asked her what she was doing, she replied "moving"

[Mr. Lahey]

How do you know when a woman from Arkansas is menstruating??





She's only wearing one sock!!

[Letters]

MIDDLE AGE TEXTING CODES:
ATD -at the doctor. BFF -best friend fell. BTW -bring the wheelchair. BYOT -bring your own teeth. FWIW -forgot where I was. GGPBL -gotta go, pacemaker battery low. GHA -got heartburn again. IMHO -is my hearing aid on? LMDO -laughing my dentures out. OMMR -on my massage recliner. ROFLACGU -rolling on floor laughing and can't get up. TTYL -talk to you louder!

[Injury Time]

GW no the bunch of comedians I had expected :tumbleweed:

[Xhaka Can’t]

A dyslexic walks into a bra...

[Tony Tuesdays]

How unlucky is this lady?
She hasn't had sex with a man for years in case of disease and she's just caught E-Coli from a cucumber!

[Ollie the Optimist]

am not familiar with too many novels but the hunch back of Notre Dame rings a bell

[Injury Time]

...what had happened to Mandela...

DISASTER IN GLASGOW

AN APPEAL FOR YOUR HELP

A major earthquake measuring 9.0 on the Richter scale hit in the early hours of Tuesday.

Epicentre: GLASGOW

News of the disaster was swiftly carried abroad by the town's 35,000 racing pigeons, as victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "fuck's sake, man" and "I'm pure wrecked."

The earthquake decimated the town, causing over £50 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearic Isles and the Spanish Costas were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historical burnt-out cars were destroyed.

Many locals were woken well before their Giro arrived. Radio Scotland reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with fact that something interesting had happened in Glasgow. One resident, 15-year-old mother-of-three Tracy Sharon McArdle, said "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Madonna came running into my bedroom crying. The twins, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm had a good dose of Methadone so they slept through it all. I was still shaking as I watched Jeremy Kyle the next morning." Locals were determined not to be bowed, as stabbings, muggings and carjackings carried on as normal.

So far, whilst the British Red Cross has managed to ship 4,000 gallons of Sunny Delight to the area to relieve the suffering of stricken locals, rescue workers searching through the rubble have found large quantities of personal belongings including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos, and bone china from Poundstretcher.

HOW YOU CAN HELP

Please respond generously to our appeal for food and clothing for the victims of this disaster. Clothing is needed most of all, especially:

FILA or Burberry baseball hats
Kappa tracksuit tops (his or hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockfort boots or any other product sold in Primark

Culturally-sensitive food parcels are harder to put together, but your efforts will make a difference. Microwave meals, tinned baked beans, ice-cream and cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew are ideal. Please do not give anything that requires peeling.

REMEMBER

22p buys a Biro for filling in compensation forms
£2.00 buys chips, crisps and a blue fizzy drink for a family of nine
£5.00 buys a packet of Lambert & Butler and a lighter to help calm a child's nerves

[Injury Time]

Dear Diary...

Day 1
Just celebrated our 75th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.

Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 5
What absolute bliss!!.

Day 6
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.

Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.

Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

Day 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

Day 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has
become dangerous...

Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.

Day 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!

Day 15
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and fuck himself and he did.

Day 16
The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ! Here he comes again!

Day 18
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!

[Injury Time]

My friend just rang to say he has 6 testicles.
I said thats a load of bollocks..

..........................................
Last night my wife called me over sensitive.
I was so shocked i cried myself to sleep.

..........................................
Now that India has allowed homosexuality.The first lesbian couple have got married.
So congratulations to Sukme Phlaps & Makemeclit Singh

[Injury Time]

Jonathon Ross has been arrested for stealing a kitchen utensil from Tesco.
Ross said it was a whisk he was prepared to take..

[The Wengerbabies]

:haha:

[budesonide]

http://a3.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/180370_1814534320039_1140481505_32119021_3537304_n .jpg

[Master Splinter]

Jonathon Ross has been arrested for stealing a kitchen utensil from Tesco.
Ross said it was a whisk he was prepared to take..
:haha:

[Letters]

Went into the Opticians and told him that I could see 9 years into the future. He examined my eyes and nodded in agreement. "You've got 2020 vision"

[Injury Time]

Went into the Opticians and told him that I could see 9 years into the future. He examined my eyes and nodded in agreement. "You've got 2020 vision"
Letters (TPFKA WWTL@WHL) ; good to have you on board this thread :hug: but for that joke have :getcoat: :mwah:

Old married couple celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband is sitting down to breakfast when the wife walks in and says "when you first met me, what were your thoughts? Be truthful........"

He says, " I wanted to suck your tits dry and f*ck your brains out!!"

She jumps on the breakfast table and whips off her bathrobe and says "what do you think now??!!??"

He takes a sip of tea and says

" I think I did a damn good job....."

[Injury Time]

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar...

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He looks so familiar, but not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman exclaims, "My God! ... It's Jesus!"

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a
pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of Stella. Jesus accepts the
drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after
the other.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the
Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:
"My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone! Sure It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the Fosters. As he lets
go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone!
It's a miracle!"

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says .....
"Back off will ya mate! ... I'm on fuckin' disability benefit!"

[the easter bunnie]

how could he afford to drink in a pub if he was on benefit. why is the beach wet. because the sea weed.

[LDG]

Just bought one of those massive American style fridges for my new flat. You should've seen my face light up when I opened it.

[LDG]

I hate going to weddings. All the grandmas poke me saying "You're next". They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals

[LDG]

You know you're pissed when you say "cheers mate" to the Cash machine at a bank

[Injury Time]

You know you're pissed when you say "cheers mate" to the Cash machine at a bank

Um this is the joke thread not a confession one....talking of which did we leave ilt on old GW :unsure:

[Letters]

Who died and made LDG Letters? :unsure:

[Chrissie]

I did email ILT but he didn't reply. Hope he's ok.

[Cripps_orig]

Who died and made LDG Letters? :unsure:
Letters hopefully :pray:

:run:

[Injury Time]

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one heck of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.' Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you!I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache.'

[Injury Time]

An old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room.
As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment,
The old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is
serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile,
"May I help you?"
The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers,
"I was wondering, young lady," he whispers,
"are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs:
"Yes Sir, I sure am."

The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly,














"Well, wash your hands real fucking good because
I want a cheeseburger."

[Coney]

Falvs walks into a bra...


Fixed it for you. :)

[LDG]

:lol:

Coney made me laugh!